Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
