great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
