I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
