Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
