i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this boner is exhausting
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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