Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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