how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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