mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
