Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
