I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
His hands were made for my vagina.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
