Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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