I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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