why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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