So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
