True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
