It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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