You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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