I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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