Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if only i could text you this smell
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize