i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well you can't waste a boner
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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