Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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