I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I sprained my soul last night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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