I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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