so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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