that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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