it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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