I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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