remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
