don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize