I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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