Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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