she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
