george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
