I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
