i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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