And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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