you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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