Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
