Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
