Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
