these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
