Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
