ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
