you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
