I wish you could order shots online.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
