4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
