our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
