So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
