i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
