You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
