If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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