I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize