Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
